The Art of War- Winning the relationship battles.

Arguing seems to have become an acceptable way to communicate for many people. In fact, a lot of families use raised voices and angry tones more than happy and loving ones. It is easy to understand why life gravitates this direction when you consider how different we all are as people and the stress and pressures we all experience in our daily lives.

We all have a tendency to automatically assume that our point of view is the only correct one and that if someone disagrees then they are either stupid and don't understand or are just trying to be difficult. The problem you will run into with this perspective is simply that your life experience really cannot provide a true understanding of all the options in the world.

In fact, the people who go at it alone in life and don't take the time to really understand another's point of view generally fall far behind those that do.

Now I titled this post the art of war and followed it with the word winning. It is important to understand that when I say the word win I do not mean that all disagreements will end in your favor. As hard as it is for us to admit many times we are the one in the wrong and need to adjust our behavior and apologize for our actions or thoughtlessness.

Our relationships with those we love need to be the most cherished of our possessions. It's amazing how often we take for granted the people in our lives that do the most for us and treat strangers or associates with more respect and kindness than our own family. This is an easy trap to fall into because we often feel worn out by life and don't want to take the time to properly package and communicate when we get home.

So what does all this have to do with winning? In my opinion the very best way to win an argument is to avoid it beginning it in the first place. I am in no way suggesting that you give in and give the people you love whatever they want whenever they want. Just like you sometimes they are just plain wrong and need to recognize that fact.

I am suggesting that there is a better way to get to this understanding and that is by learning to solve Problems together rather than allowing disagreements to pull you apart. The first step to showing love and respect is taking the time to listen and really try to understand the others point of view.

I want you to picture the face of the person you were last in an argument with, it shouldn't be too hard for most of us because it was most likely very recent. Really analyze their face and ask yourself this question.

"When I am speaking are they listening to me or thinking about what they are going to say next?" We all probably know the answer to this and unfortunately most are thinking about how they plan to respond.

Now I need you to honestly answer this question "When they are speaking are you listening to them or thinking about what you plan to say next?" If we are honest with ourselves the answer is likely that we are thinking about our next rebuttal to the argument.

The final question is simply "Does anyone really ever win an argument?" The sad truth to this question is that it extremely difficult to convince someone of your point of view when in a heated argument. The second our negative emotions take control of the situation the argument becomes more about not giving in and our feelings than the problem that started it all. We are likely to say things we regret in the heat of the moment and have to make amends afterward. Ultimately an argument ends with a statement like "fine do it your way" or "whatever" and the weaker person or the one less passionate about the issue gives up.

The person who got their own way will often feel like they have won but they don't take the time to count the costs of this type of victory. When you force your will on another person especially one who loves you a small piece of resentment builds up inside of them. Over time these small pieces that are harmless on their own pile up into huge mountains that kill love and destroy relationships.

So to really win we have to learn to approach our issues as a problem that needs to be solved together. As two people who love and respect each other sit down and discuss an issue doing their best to keep emotions from escalating out of control solutions can be found and agreements on a course of action can be made.

You also need to take the time to really consider the others point of view and try to understand why they see things the way they do. I think we have all had that experience in life when someone explains their point of view on a situation and a little light bulb goes off in our head. We will often say things like "I have never looked at it that way before" or " I have never seen it that way". We move forward from moments like these a stronger more intelligent person and build a better bond with the person who helped us grow.

If taking the time to see something from others point of view will often make us stronger and more intelligent it seems to make sense that we would want to seek out these opportunities as often as possible. The very least we will gain from this exercise is a better empathy for what our loved ones are feeling and a perspective that will help us explain our point.

The relationships with those you love and who love you really are the most important thing in this life. Love is not something we are entitled to because we were born into a family or worked hard early on to find a spouse. Love is the greatest gift someone can give you and deserves your very best effort to build and preserve.

Love,

Dad